I find it rather amusing when you think you have everything all figured out one minute, then you turn around and everything is all jumbled again. That can pretty much explain what is going on for me right now! Although I am still really happy, things are just going through some unexpected changes.
The guy that I am currently with had seemed to be everything I had always wanted. And for the most part he is just that. He is the type of guy that I had always dreamed of being with. But what is funny is, is that now it is not what I want to have or end up with. Not trying to sound harsh, don't get me wrong he is a really great guy but I guess just not for me. I guess this could show the difference between fantasy and reality. What you have in your head or what could look the best on paper, may not be what is best or most compatible for you. I think our love may have just been mistaken for a common bond and a shared passion. I am not looking forward to hurting him or telling him that this isn't working, but it is something that has to be done. It is only what is fair for both of us. Also we have barely talked lately, so something is up on both sides of this equation. We are already three hours apart, so not talking much has damaged the relationship even more. No matter what happens with us I still wish him the best, and hope that his band have their big break from their new album.
It was also hard to really love someone else when my heart was somewhere else. I rushed into this relationship way too quickly after ending the previous one. I was not over the other guy by any means. But I had ended it with him because I knew that was what had to happen in order for him to realize what he was missing. And in that process I found someone else, and it wasn't fair for either of them. My heart has seemed to find its way back to the proper place and things are really looking up. The only downfall is that I hate having to hurt someone in order to make myself happy and do what is best for me. I just hope that everything will work out.
This is just a summary of the confusing situation that is going on with me right now!!
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Music is My Boyfriend
I am a person who strongly believes that one song can change a person's life.
I believe there is a song for every moment of every day.
I believe that a song can influence your mood.
I believe that music can heal people.
I believe that music speaks for you when you can't find the right words to say.
Everyday has it's own soundtrack!
Music has always served as my vice.
It is the one thing I can always turn to,
whether it be to better explain a situation,
or to enhance my mood.
It will always be there for me and never let me down.
Music is love.
Music is passion.
Music is peace of mind.
Music is, and always will be, in my heart.
I believe there is a song for every moment of every day.
I believe that a song can influence your mood.
I believe that music can heal people.
I believe that music speaks for you when you can't find the right words to say.
Everyday has it's own soundtrack!
Music has always served as my vice.
It is the one thing I can always turn to,
whether it be to better explain a situation,
or to enhance my mood.
It will always be there for me and never let me down.
Music is love.
Music is passion.
Music is peace of mind.
Music is, and always will be, in my heart.
Story of a Girl
This is a story of a girl. A girl who has been through a bit in the mere 21 years she has lived. This story will discuss the past of the girl to better understand how exactly she got to this point in her life now. It is not a story to dwell on the past and past events, but rather give some explanation as to why she is who she is today.
This girl has always been one to please others, and basically was somewhat of a pushover. Growing up all she ever wanted to do was please her parents and do exactly what they expected. In doing this, she lost who she really was. It wasn't until she was 20 that she had the chance to discover who she really was.
In relationships, she seemed to make the same mistakes. They all ended in failure so it made her think every mistake was all her fault. Her first serious relationship ended up lying to her and leaving her for her best friend. Talk about a good start and a wonderful relationship to set the first example! The next one wasn't so bad, but just wasn't right for her at all. The third was a doosey! Talk about third time's a charm!! This relationship is what put the final touches on ruining her. He was so skilled in what he did that he managed to completely tear her down. He played the best mind games and manipulated her so she believe she was nothing without him. He then left her as nothing but a stomped on, speck of dirt on the ground.
To say the least, she could not have gotten by without her friends. The summer after he left her is when her depression really hit hard. She couldn't eat, sleep, or function for that matter. She dropped a good 10 pounds making her lucky to be 98 pounds..and let's face it, no 18 year old should be that skinny. It's disgusting! But two people played key roles in helping her stay above water. Two of the best friends anyone could ask for! Without their love and support, she might not have survived through that summer. There were attempts that she made to escape the reality of life for good, but none of them worked. I suppose it is a good thing now that they didn't work.
So the next chapter in her life was college. Oh boy did she ever go wild there! It was her first taste of freedom and she ran with it. It was a year for rebellion and she turned to sex and alcohol and looking for love in all the wrong places. She should have known that no one can find happiness in the bottom of a bottle. The year ended and she quickly faced reality. She made a vow to herself that she would never live like that again, and the next relationship she would get herself into would be a serious one. The next year came and things seemed to be going exactly how she had hoped. She met a boy, took a chance on him, and they ended up being together for over a year. The downfall of this was, once again she put her whole heart in it and he took advantage of that. He played his games with her and made her think she wasn't quite good enough for him. She had to constantly prove herself to him, and really that is not how a good relationship should be. But there were also many things that happened within this year that they were together.
He had managed to push her wrong button one too many times, and she made her final attempts at suicide. This was done in front of the wrong..or right people and it landed her in the hospital..then the psych ward. It was here that she realized this was it, this was time for her big change. When she got out the next day, she took the initiative and turned her life around. She finally discovered her independence, her confidence, and who she was. It was a ground breaking moment in her life! She became who she had always dreamed she would be, and got rid of all the negative in her life. Which means the boy had to get out of the picture. It was only after she called it quits that he realized what he was losing and made a feeble attempt to fight for her back. But it was simply too late..and besides, he had over a year to have done just that.
Now the girl has moved onto a man! He is a man that has seemed to have come straight from her dreams. They share a common passion, and he does all the things she has ever wanted a guy to do without even asking or hinting! Everything is seemingly perfect with them, but there is a catch. Of course there is a catch, when is everything actually perfect..especially for this girl. She doesn't feel that she deserves this happiness that she has been longing for since she could remember. And because she doesn't feel as if she deserves it, she subconsciously pushes it away. She nitpicks, and then does not allow her whole heart to be exposed to him even though deep down that is what she desperately wants. And because of all of this it has backfired on her. They had their first fight over nothing and it seems to have driven him away. It has crushed her because she realized the stupidity in what she did and in realizing this has given her whole heart away to him. Only to leave her more wounded at his reaction. She just wants him to forgive and forget and go back to how they were..when he wrote her the most beautiful poems every night and talked about their future together because he couldn't picture his life without her now. She just wants to be those two people who were completely happy and crazy in love. It can easily happen he just has to look into her heart and know that she still is the girl he fell in love with.
This girl has always been one to please others, and basically was somewhat of a pushover. Growing up all she ever wanted to do was please her parents and do exactly what they expected. In doing this, she lost who she really was. It wasn't until she was 20 that she had the chance to discover who she really was.
In relationships, she seemed to make the same mistakes. They all ended in failure so it made her think every mistake was all her fault. Her first serious relationship ended up lying to her and leaving her for her best friend. Talk about a good start and a wonderful relationship to set the first example! The next one wasn't so bad, but just wasn't right for her at all. The third was a doosey! Talk about third time's a charm!! This relationship is what put the final touches on ruining her. He was so skilled in what he did that he managed to completely tear her down. He played the best mind games and manipulated her so she believe she was nothing without him. He then left her as nothing but a stomped on, speck of dirt on the ground.
To say the least, she could not have gotten by without her friends. The summer after he left her is when her depression really hit hard. She couldn't eat, sleep, or function for that matter. She dropped a good 10 pounds making her lucky to be 98 pounds..and let's face it, no 18 year old should be that skinny. It's disgusting! But two people played key roles in helping her stay above water. Two of the best friends anyone could ask for! Without their love and support, she might not have survived through that summer. There were attempts that she made to escape the reality of life for good, but none of them worked. I suppose it is a good thing now that they didn't work.
So the next chapter in her life was college. Oh boy did she ever go wild there! It was her first taste of freedom and she ran with it. It was a year for rebellion and she turned to sex and alcohol and looking for love in all the wrong places. She should have known that no one can find happiness in the bottom of a bottle. The year ended and she quickly faced reality. She made a vow to herself that she would never live like that again, and the next relationship she would get herself into would be a serious one. The next year came and things seemed to be going exactly how she had hoped. She met a boy, took a chance on him, and they ended up being together for over a year. The downfall of this was, once again she put her whole heart in it and he took advantage of that. He played his games with her and made her think she wasn't quite good enough for him. She had to constantly prove herself to him, and really that is not how a good relationship should be. But there were also many things that happened within this year that they were together.
He had managed to push her wrong button one too many times, and she made her final attempts at suicide. This was done in front of the wrong..or right people and it landed her in the hospital..then the psych ward. It was here that she realized this was it, this was time for her big change. When she got out the next day, she took the initiative and turned her life around. She finally discovered her independence, her confidence, and who she was. It was a ground breaking moment in her life! She became who she had always dreamed she would be, and got rid of all the negative in her life. Which means the boy had to get out of the picture. It was only after she called it quits that he realized what he was losing and made a feeble attempt to fight for her back. But it was simply too late..and besides, he had over a year to have done just that.
Now the girl has moved onto a man! He is a man that has seemed to have come straight from her dreams. They share a common passion, and he does all the things she has ever wanted a guy to do without even asking or hinting! Everything is seemingly perfect with them, but there is a catch. Of course there is a catch, when is everything actually perfect..especially for this girl. She doesn't feel that she deserves this happiness that she has been longing for since she could remember. And because she doesn't feel as if she deserves it, she subconsciously pushes it away. She nitpicks, and then does not allow her whole heart to be exposed to him even though deep down that is what she desperately wants. And because of all of this it has backfired on her. They had their first fight over nothing and it seems to have driven him away. It has crushed her because she realized the stupidity in what she did and in realizing this has given her whole heart away to him. Only to leave her more wounded at his reaction. She just wants him to forgive and forget and go back to how they were..when he wrote her the most beautiful poems every night and talked about their future together because he couldn't picture his life without her now. She just wants to be those two people who were completely happy and crazy in love. It can easily happen he just has to look into her heart and know that she still is the girl he fell in love with.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
First Thoughts
I have contemplated starting a blog for some time now, and have finally given into my urge so to speak and started one! I constantly have so many thoughts running through my mind, that I just felt like this would be a good way to sort them all out. This first blog is basically just going to introduce who I am and what is on my mind now.
I have been super stressed with school, work, and my social life! There simply are not enough hours in one day to do everything I need or want to do. Being a full time student and having a part time job is so stressful but is definitely worth it. With my job it is giving me a good gateway into my future career in the retail industry. But working it sometimes makes it hard to keep on top of my school work. I am doing my best and trying to be the best student I can be, and of course trying to keep the parents pleased! I just have to remember who is most important and that is me..and I need to keep myself happy.
I am definitely good at putting myself and my feelings on the back burner and placing others and their feelings ahead of my own. As much as I think otherwise, it really shouldn't be like that! I have undergone some major changes in the past year to help me realize just that! I have come to the time in my life where I have made myself truly happy and have actually discovered who I really am. I am pretty proud of myself for this because some people don't figure this out until much later in life. As I have said, I feel like I have found my true happiness and am content with my life now. Just wish there was less stress, but I don't think such a life could exist for anyone!!
I have recently been dating this guy who makes me happier then I ever thought I could be with someone else! He is everything I have ever wanted in a guy..almost like I placed an order and it was promptly delivered!! We really complement each other and share the same passion in music. He is truly great and talented! At times though, I can tend to prevent myself from being completely happy with him because I have never actually experienced someone who treats me right. It is almost as if this is everything I have been waiting for but can't accept that it is actually happening to me! Like it seems to good to be true. But I just need to step back, take a breath, and enjoy the good thing that is happening to me and know that I am blessed!
For now I think I will leave it at that! This really bounces around and may not even make sense, but that tends to happen when I write! I just write what is on my mind at that moment even if is doesn't go along with what I previously wrote!
I have been super stressed with school, work, and my social life! There simply are not enough hours in one day to do everything I need or want to do. Being a full time student and having a part time job is so stressful but is definitely worth it. With my job it is giving me a good gateway into my future career in the retail industry. But working it sometimes makes it hard to keep on top of my school work. I am doing my best and trying to be the best student I can be, and of course trying to keep the parents pleased! I just have to remember who is most important and that is me..and I need to keep myself happy.
I am definitely good at putting myself and my feelings on the back burner and placing others and their feelings ahead of my own. As much as I think otherwise, it really shouldn't be like that! I have undergone some major changes in the past year to help me realize just that! I have come to the time in my life where I have made myself truly happy and have actually discovered who I really am. I am pretty proud of myself for this because some people don't figure this out until much later in life. As I have said, I feel like I have found my true happiness and am content with my life now. Just wish there was less stress, but I don't think such a life could exist for anyone!!
I have recently been dating this guy who makes me happier then I ever thought I could be with someone else! He is everything I have ever wanted in a guy..almost like I placed an order and it was promptly delivered!! We really complement each other and share the same passion in music. He is truly great and talented! At times though, I can tend to prevent myself from being completely happy with him because I have never actually experienced someone who treats me right. It is almost as if this is everything I have been waiting for but can't accept that it is actually happening to me! Like it seems to good to be true. But I just need to step back, take a breath, and enjoy the good thing that is happening to me and know that I am blessed!
For now I think I will leave it at that! This really bounces around and may not even make sense, but that tends to happen when I write! I just write what is on my mind at that moment even if is doesn't go along with what I previously wrote!
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