Here's your sign!

I am one to take signs very seriously. I am not talking about traffic signs or advertisements of sorts....although the former I at least pay attention to!ha No, I am referring to signs sent to me by a higher form. Signs that come in the form of a song, a random comment, or a coincidental happening. Lately there have been pretty blatant signs that have happened to me.

A random and not as important one would be when I was on the Kids side of Gap and I hear, for the first time playing over there, the theme song to the O.C. That obviously goes with Cali..but I kinda find it pointless to read much of anything into that because it's something that would never actually develop. But nevertheless it still caught me off guard!

The most shocking and most obvious sign that I have gotten lately goes towards music man. I was on my way to work the other day and I decided to get coffee causing me to go a completely different way to work than I normally do. After I get my coffee, I get stuck behind a truck for a bit. When I look at the truck's license plate I notice it reads 'Fraggle'. Now to everyone else that means nothing but to me it means everything! I found that to be the most random thing to put on a license plate but the most obvious sign for me! My mouth literally fell open! Then, low and behold, early the next morning I finally get to talk with music man. This had been after I thought he was ignoring me and giving me his form of payback. Needless to say it made me incredibly happy to get to talk to him! Now I just still have to find a way to get across how I want to keep talking to him and let him know I am genuine. I am not here to hurt him anymore and there is no need for him to be cautious with me anymore. I want him to let down his guard and let me in again. I don't want to have to worry that after one conversation with him is over that I may not get a chance to have another..or wonder when I will get to have a chance to talk to him again. It does not help that I work at Gap and almost every song that plays there reminds me of him!! I just wish I can finally pull something off to make him realize everything or even figure out a way to get him to read this blog again! Then he would be able to see into my heart and know what I am feeling now. I can only do as much as I can, the rest will be up to him.

Finally, I now understand that the "little" asspect! is nothing but a bad habit that needs to be broken..but is so hard to break. Could it almost be forming into a parasite?! That is most unfortunate! I guess I need to be completely debugged..call for the exterminator!!haha I cannot wait for things to finally set themselves out and for my life to not be confusing, but clear and full of happiness! I hope I am already set on the right path!

Rules and Regulations

So in case you haven't already noticed..I will not type any actual names in my posts. Therefore, nicknames appropriate to each person will be given to them instead! However, the nicknames will be obvious enough to those who actually know me! ;)

In the current situation I have been in lately I have had to deal with the "little" aspect of my life, and he has been proven difficult. Once again there is the situation where I felt like it was all going to be so right and perfect, but definitely in the end it's quite the opposite! At times I feel held back, which is very unexpected...or somewhat unexpected...from said person. I am or have been stuck in this relationship that has rules and regulations for how things should go..and endless lists including directions that are to be precisely followed. Now honestly, who really would want to be in this kind of relationship?? I mean is that true love or true happiness?!...yeah, didn't think so! At the same time I have no clue what to do, because I HATE hurting people. I am also horrible with goodbyes because let's face it..people always leave. I hate that I seem to set myself up for disappointment quite a bit.

Recently brought up to the surface again is music man. I never really let myself realize how much I have missed him or missed how he made me feel. After getting to spend an amazing bit of time with him recently..everything flooded back. And now I guess he has picked up on my feelings about it all because he is taking great effort to ignore me. It sucks horribly but I guess he is trying to show me how much I hurt him. I understand that and it's only fair but I wish he could understand I am being true and genuine. I have tried to also display my feelings subtly, and of course not so subtly, all ending in the same failed attempts. So for now I have put it all on the table and it is in his hands.

Lastly we have Cali! This whole moment just brings a huge smile to my face!! This was some of the best couple of days I have ever experienced! I had such a blast and felt so free! It helped me reopen my eyes and just know what is really out there. That I don't have to settle and great things can be offered to be AND that I actually deserve said things! The huge downfall to this blissful feeling is that he lives all the way across the country. I still randomly will talk to him and could possibly before too long be getting another visit from him, but that is all it could ever be. However, just in those couple days a lot of my outlook changed. I could even feel the change. I was happier, I felt more confident and quite frankly like a bad ass (ha)!! And I actually knew things would all be ok. It all works out in the end!

I am now just going to let things go and everything just be. I am going to live everyday to its fullest and how I want to. I am going to make me happy..whatever that consists of! And just put everything completely into God's hands! I know everything happens for a reason so I will give a chance to let things happen..whatever they may be!

welcome back!!

soo..after a loooong hiatus i decided that i would return and try to keep up with the blog again. i was recently reminded about my blog so it just sparked a renewed interest. i thought about deleting my last post because it has pretty harsh stuff in it but i decided against it. even though to some(one) it is pretty hurtful, it still shows what i was going through at the time. perhaps things would have turned out differently if that other person knew how hurt i was beginning to feel. as much as i shouldn't or for the simple fact that this was my decision, i think about him way too often and wonder what could have been. now i am getting the "payback is a bitch" treatment from him and it is bullshit even though i am sure i deserve it! i really do miss him and wonder if i made a mistake. i also wonder if he misses me or ever thinks about me. again this is something that i shouldn't even think about anymore, but i do and i cant help it!! i also am not wanting to regret anything or live in the past so i have to face my decision and just move on. its just really hard to do so when every little thing reminds me of him. oh i miss him!!
there is still that other "little" aspect in the picture. only very few times does it feel right anymore and for the first time i feel like i would be ok without it. i just don't know what to do now and honestly feel like I'm at a crossroads in my life. maybe more like a tangled web!?ha. regardless, i am completely unsure of what the next step should be or even what i want it to be. i am just going to take each day as it comes and hope that i end up with the best outcome. i know in my heart what i want and i am ready to have it. i will just have to practice my patience!!