Here's your sign!

I am one to take signs very seriously. I am not talking about traffic signs or advertisements of sorts....although the former I at least pay attention to!ha No, I am referring to signs sent to me by a higher form. Signs that come in the form of a song, a random comment, or a coincidental happening. Lately there have been pretty blatant signs that have happened to me.

A random and not as important one would be when I was on the Kids side of Gap and I hear, for the first time playing over there, the theme song to the O.C. That obviously goes with Cali..but I kinda find it pointless to read much of anything into that because it's something that would never actually develop. But nevertheless it still caught me off guard!

The most shocking and most obvious sign that I have gotten lately goes towards music man. I was on my way to work the other day and I decided to get coffee causing me to go a completely different way to work than I normally do. After I get my coffee, I get stuck behind a truck for a bit. When I look at the truck's license plate I notice it reads 'Fraggle'. Now to everyone else that means nothing but to me it means everything! I found that to be the most random thing to put on a license plate but the most obvious sign for me! My mouth literally fell open! Then, low and behold, early the next morning I finally get to talk with music man. This had been after I thought he was ignoring me and giving me his form of payback. Needless to say it made me incredibly happy to get to talk to him! Now I just still have to find a way to get across how I want to keep talking to him and let him know I am genuine. I am not here to hurt him anymore and there is no need for him to be cautious with me anymore. I want him to let down his guard and let me in again. I don't want to have to worry that after one conversation with him is over that I may not get a chance to have another..or wonder when I will get to have a chance to talk to him again. It does not help that I work at Gap and almost every song that plays there reminds me of him!! I just wish I can finally pull something off to make him realize everything or even figure out a way to get him to read this blog again! Then he would be able to see into my heart and know what I am feeling now. I can only do as much as I can, the rest will be up to him.

Finally, I now understand that the "little" asspect! is nothing but a bad habit that needs to be broken..but is so hard to break. Could it almost be forming into a parasite?! That is most unfortunate! I guess I need to be completely debugged..call for the exterminator!!haha I cannot wait for things to finally set themselves out and for my life to not be confusing, but clear and full of happiness! I hope I am already set on the right path!

Rules and Regulations

So in case you haven't already noticed..I will not type any actual names in my posts. Therefore, nicknames appropriate to each person will be given to them instead! However, the nicknames will be obvious enough to those who actually know me! ;)

In the current situation I have been in lately I have had to deal with the "little" aspect of my life, and he has been proven difficult. Once again there is the situation where I felt like it was all going to be so right and perfect, but definitely in the end it's quite the opposite! At times I feel held back, which is very unexpected...or somewhat unexpected...from said person. I am or have been stuck in this relationship that has rules and regulations for how things should go..and endless lists including directions that are to be precisely followed. Now honestly, who really would want to be in this kind of relationship?? I mean is that true love or true happiness?!...yeah, didn't think so! At the same time I have no clue what to do, because I HATE hurting people. I am also horrible with goodbyes because let's face it..people always leave. I hate that I seem to set myself up for disappointment quite a bit.

Recently brought up to the surface again is music man. I never really let myself realize how much I have missed him or missed how he made me feel. After getting to spend an amazing bit of time with him recently..everything flooded back. And now I guess he has picked up on my feelings about it all because he is taking great effort to ignore me. It sucks horribly but I guess he is trying to show me how much I hurt him. I understand that and it's only fair but I wish he could understand I am being true and genuine. I have tried to also display my feelings subtly, and of course not so subtly, all ending in the same failed attempts. So for now I have put it all on the table and it is in his hands.

Lastly we have Cali! This whole moment just brings a huge smile to my face!! This was some of the best couple of days I have ever experienced! I had such a blast and felt so free! It helped me reopen my eyes and just know what is really out there. That I don't have to settle and great things can be offered to be AND that I actually deserve said things! The huge downfall to this blissful feeling is that he lives all the way across the country. I still randomly will talk to him and could possibly before too long be getting another visit from him, but that is all it could ever be. However, just in those couple days a lot of my outlook changed. I could even feel the change. I was happier, I felt more confident and quite frankly like a bad ass (ha)!! And I actually knew things would all be ok. It all works out in the end!

I am now just going to let things go and everything just be. I am going to live everyday to its fullest and how I want to. I am going to make me happy..whatever that consists of! And just put everything completely into God's hands! I know everything happens for a reason so I will give a chance to let things happen..whatever they may be!

welcome back!!

soo..after a loooong hiatus i decided that i would return and try to keep up with the blog again. i was recently reminded about my blog so it just sparked a renewed interest. i thought about deleting my last post because it has pretty harsh stuff in it but i decided against it. even though to some(one) it is pretty hurtful, it still shows what i was going through at the time. perhaps things would have turned out differently if that other person knew how hurt i was beginning to feel. as much as i shouldn't or for the simple fact that this was my decision, i think about him way too often and wonder what could have been. now i am getting the "payback is a bitch" treatment from him and it is bullshit even though i am sure i deserve it! i really do miss him and wonder if i made a mistake. i also wonder if he misses me or ever thinks about me. again this is something that i shouldn't even think about anymore, but i do and i cant help it!! i also am not wanting to regret anything or live in the past so i have to face my decision and just move on. its just really hard to do so when every little thing reminds me of him. oh i miss him!!
there is still that other "little" aspect in the picture. only very few times does it feel right anymore and for the first time i feel like i would be ok without it. i just don't know what to do now and honestly feel like I'm at a crossroads in my life. maybe more like a tangled web!?ha. regardless, i am completely unsure of what the next step should be or even what i want it to be. i am just going to take each day as it comes and hope that i end up with the best outcome. i know in my heart what i want and i am ready to have it. i will just have to practice my patience!!

Isn't it funny..

I find it rather amusing when you think you have everything all figured out one minute, then you turn around and everything is all jumbled again. That can pretty much explain what is going on for me right now! Although I am still really happy, things are just going through some unexpected changes.

The guy that I am currently with had seemed to be everything I had always wanted. And for the most part he is just that. He is the type of guy that I had always dreamed of being with. But what is funny is, is that now it is not what I want to have or end up with. Not trying to sound harsh, don't get me wrong he is a really great guy but I guess just not for me. I guess this could show the difference between fantasy and reality. What you have in your head or what could look the best on paper, may not be what is best or most compatible for you. I think our love may have just been mistaken for a common bond and a shared passion. I am not looking forward to hurting him or telling him that this isn't working, but it is something that has to be done. It is only what is fair for both of us. Also we have barely talked lately, so something is up on both sides of this equation. We are already three hours apart, so not talking much has damaged the relationship even more. No matter what happens with us I still wish him the best, and hope that his band have their big break from their new album.

It was also hard to really love someone else when my heart was somewhere else. I rushed into this relationship way too quickly after ending the previous one. I was not over the other guy by any means. But I had ended it with him because I knew that was what had to happen in order for him to realize what he was missing. And in that process I found someone else, and it wasn't fair for either of them. My heart has seemed to find its way back to the proper place and things are really looking up. The only downfall is that I hate having to hurt someone in order to make myself happy and do what is best for me. I just hope that everything will work out.

This is just a summary of the confusing situation that is going on with me right now!!

Music is My Boyfriend

I am a person who strongly believes that one song can change a person's life.
I believe there is a song for every moment of every day.
I believe that a song can influence your mood.
I believe that music can heal people.
I believe that music speaks for you when you can't find the right words to say.
Everyday has it's own soundtrack!

Music has always served as my vice.
It is the one thing I can always turn to,
whether it be to better explain a situation,
or to enhance my mood.
It will always be there for me and never let me down.

Music is love.
Music is passion.
Music is peace of mind.
Music is, and always will be, in my heart.

Story of a Girl

This is a story of a girl. A girl who has been through a bit in the mere 21 years she has lived. This story will discuss the past of the girl to better understand how exactly she got to this point in her life now. It is not a story to dwell on the past and past events, but rather give some explanation as to why she is who she is today.

This girl has always been one to please others, and basically was somewhat of a pushover. Growing up all she ever wanted to do was please her parents and do exactly what they expected. In doing this, she lost who she really was. It wasn't until she was 20 that she had the chance to discover who she really was.

In relationships, she seemed to make the same mistakes. They all ended in failure so it made her think every mistake was all her fault. Her first serious relationship ended up lying to her and leaving her for her best friend. Talk about a good start and a wonderful relationship to set the first example! The next one wasn't so bad, but just wasn't right for her at all. The third was a doosey! Talk about third time's a charm!! This relationship is what put the final touches on ruining her. He was so skilled in what he did that he managed to completely tear her down. He played the best mind games and manipulated her so she believe she was nothing without him. He then left her as nothing but a stomped on, speck of dirt on the ground.

To say the least, she could not have gotten by without her friends. The summer after he left her is when her depression really hit hard. She couldn't eat, sleep, or function for that matter. She dropped a good 10 pounds making her lucky to be 98 pounds..and let's face it, no 18 year old should be that skinny. It's disgusting! But two people played key roles in helping her stay above water. Two of the best friends anyone could ask for! Without their love and support, she might not have survived through that summer. There were attempts that she made to escape the reality of life for good, but none of them worked. I suppose it is a good thing now that they didn't work.

So the next chapter in her life was college. Oh boy did she ever go wild there! It was her first taste of freedom and she ran with it. It was a year for rebellion and she turned to sex and alcohol and looking for love in all the wrong places. She should have known that no one can find happiness in the bottom of a bottle. The year ended and she quickly faced reality. She made a vow to herself that she would never live like that again, and the next relationship she would get herself into would be a serious one. The next year came and things seemed to be going exactly how she had hoped. She met a boy, took a chance on him, and they ended up being together for over a year. The downfall of this was, once again she put her whole heart in it and he took advantage of that. He played his games with her and made her think she wasn't quite good enough for him. She had to constantly prove herself to him, and really that is not how a good relationship should be. But there were also many things that happened within this year that they were together.

He had managed to push her wrong button one too many times, and she made her final attempts at suicide. This was done in front of the wrong..or right people and it landed her in the hospital..then the psych ward. It was here that she realized this was it, this was time for her big change. When she got out the next day, she took the initiative and turned her life around. She finally discovered her independence, her confidence, and who she was. It was a ground breaking moment in her life! She became who she had always dreamed she would be, and got rid of all the negative in her life. Which means the boy had to get out of the picture. It was only after she called it quits that he realized what he was losing and made a feeble attempt to fight for her back. But it was simply too late..and besides, he had over a year to have done just that.

Now the girl has moved onto a man! He is a man that has seemed to have come straight from her dreams. They share a common passion, and he does all the things she has ever wanted a guy to do without even asking or hinting! Everything is seemingly perfect with them, but there is a catch. Of course there is a catch, when is everything actually perfect..especially for this girl. She doesn't feel that she deserves this happiness that she has been longing for since she could remember. And because she doesn't feel as if she deserves it, she subconsciously pushes it away. She nitpicks, and then does not allow her whole heart to be exposed to him even though deep down that is what she desperately wants. And because of all of this it has backfired on her. They had their first fight over nothing and it seems to have driven him away. It has crushed her because she realized the stupidity in what she did and in realizing this has given her whole heart away to him. Only to leave her more wounded at his reaction. She just wants him to forgive and forget and go back to how they were..when he wrote her the most beautiful poems every night and talked about their future together because he couldn't picture his life without her now. She just wants to be those two people who were completely happy and crazy in love. It can easily happen he just has to look into her heart and know that she still is the girl he fell in love with.

First Thoughts

I have contemplated starting a blog for some time now, and have finally given into my urge so to speak and started one! I constantly have so many thoughts running through my mind, that I just felt like this would be a good way to sort them all out. This first blog is basically just going to introduce who I am and what is on my mind now.

I have been super stressed with school, work, and my social life! There simply are not enough hours in one day to do everything I need or want to do. Being a full time student and having a part time job is so stressful but is definitely worth it. With my job it is giving me a good gateway into my future career in the retail industry. But working it sometimes makes it hard to keep on top of my school work. I am doing my best and trying to be the best student I can be, and of course trying to keep the parents pleased! I just have to remember who is most important and that is me..and I need to keep myself happy.

I am definitely good at putting myself and my feelings on the back burner and placing others and their feelings ahead of my own. As much as I think otherwise, it really shouldn't be like that! I have undergone some major changes in the past year to help me realize just that! I have come to the time in my life where I have made myself truly happy and have actually discovered who I really am. I am pretty proud of myself for this because some people don't figure this out until much later in life. As I have said, I feel like I have found my true happiness and am content with my life now. Just wish there was less stress, but I don't think such a life could exist for anyone!!

I have recently been dating this guy who makes me happier then I ever thought I could be with someone else! He is everything I have ever wanted in a guy..almost like I placed an order and it was promptly delivered!! We really complement each other and share the same passion in music. He is truly great and talented! At times though, I can tend to prevent myself from being completely happy with him because I have never actually experienced someone who treats me right. It is almost as if this is everything I have been waiting for but can't accept that it is actually happening to me! Like it seems to good to be true. But I just need to step back, take a breath, and enjoy the good thing that is happening to me and know that I am blessed!

For now I think I will leave it at that! This really bounces around and may not even make sense, but that tends to happen when I write! I just write what is on my mind at that moment even if is doesn't go along with what I previously wrote!